“HELP! Somebody help me!” I screamed over and over and over but no one was listening. The black closed in around me and it was getting harder to breathe. My hands clawed frantically at the cold, wet darkness. I was getting no where. Why wasn’t anyone helping me? I could feel the weight crushing down on me. My chest hurt and I was getting tired. Can I get myself out of this? Will I survive?
This sounds a lot like being buried alive, doesn’t it? This is actually depression from my perspective. Of course I’ve never actually been buried alive or there would be a good chance I wouldn’t be here writing this but anyone that knows depression, probably knows this feeling or something similar. I’ve felt this feeling many times throughout my life. I always seemed to pull myself out of it eventually but only after a lot of soul searching.
This last time was different though. I was a busy woman and never had the time to soul search. I never really even had the time to focus on myself. I was either busy working, cleaning house, making dinner, doing schoolwork, doing family stuff, etc. The only time I really had to myself was when I took a shower and even then my daughter was often in there with me. My showers are when I do the most thinking but instead of thinking positively and trying to beat that depression, I would wallow and fall deeper.
I had my daughter 3 years ago and fell into postpartum depression (PPD). Unfortunately, I didn’t recognize it until I had blown past PPD and just had full on depression. It wasn’t until my daughter was about a year and a half old that I realized what had been going on after talking to a friend that had recently been diagnosed with PPD. I saw my doctor and was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety. From there, I tried medication after medication which put me on an emotional roller coaster.
I finally got to the point where I was just so tired of being tired. I was sick of being so negative and down. I was just done. I sat down one Monday morning and thought long and hard about what I wanted. I didn’t want anything material. I really didn’t even want anything in my life to change. All I wanted was to be happy in my own mind and body. It was then that I realized, I was doing this all to myself! At that moment, I made a conscious decision to be happy. I would spend a little bit of time each day to work on myself. I would look at everything in a positive way. I would just enjoy each moment as it came.
This, is where my previous blog post comes into play. I saw the word “Mindfulness” somewhere that day and for some reason it just resonated with me. It just stuck. It felt right. It felt like what I needed at that time. I really didn’t even know exactly what it was but I knew I needed to find out. I did a quick google search and pulled up a short article. I was awestruck to find that it was exactly what I had promised myself to start doing.
After that, everything just seemed to go right. Up until that point, every single thing in my life was going wrong. Literally, EVERY. SINGLE. THING. It was like this gigantic shift happened. I guess some might call it a quantum shift? (I’ll need to go more into Quantum shifts in a different blog post) I no longer feel like I’m covered in darkness. Instead, I feel like I’m being showered with a bright light. I carry myself differently when I walk. I smile often. I’m genuinely happy.
Nothing had changed externally but internally, everything changed. I feel like a new person. I can’t even really explain what happened. All I know is, I felt like I was being buried alive for years and now, suddenly, I feel like I’ve broken out of that grave, dusted off the dirt, and took the world by the horns!
It’s amazing what a conscious decision can do. What just one little seed of a thought can grow into. The mind is a powerful thing and you have power over your mind. Just imagine the possibilities of what you can accomplish if you just set your intentions.